Dr. Larry Goodman
In an era of instant information, many people self-diagnose or take on labels like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) without consulting a professional. They connect with symptoms and relate to experiences they read online or see in others, often concluding, “This must be me.” While recognizing struggles and patterns is valid, putting on a label like BPD can sometimes be limiting. Instead of providing answers, it can amplify confusion, intensify self-criticism, and in some cases, prevent us from getting the real help needed to manage our feelings.
Dr. Goodman has seen this all too often in his coaching work. Many of his clients come to him convinced they have a particular diagnosis or disorder, which often brings a sense of doom or resignation. They feel stuck and defined by something they believe is outside of their control. But Dr. Goodman has a unique approach that offers a different path—a focus on self-regulation and resilience that empowers clients, regardless of diagnosis or label, to live balanced and emotionally healthy lives.
Shifting Focus from Labels to Patterns
In his sessions, Dr. Goodman aims first to acknowledge the client’s experience and feelings, rather than disputing any self-imposed label. A recent client, for example, arrived certain they had BPD and felt a combination of shame and helplessness around managing their intense emotions. The client’s primary concern wasn’t the label itself, but rather how overwhelming it was to navigate these emotions daily, affecting their work, relationships, and self-esteem.
The first step Dr. Goodman took was to help the client set aside the label, focusing instead on recognizing emotional patterns. Together, they identified triggers and mapped out the emotions that arose in response to specific scenarios. Dr. Goodman used a method called "observational awareness" with this client, encouraging them to observe their feelings without judgment. By shifting their focus to what was happening moment by moment—rather than jumping to conclusions about what each emotion meant—the client was able to develop a sense of control over their reactions.
Building the Foundation: Self-Compassion and Routine
Self-compassion is critical in managing intense emotions, yet it’s easier said than done for many. Dr. Goodman works with clients to replace self-critical thoughts with compassionate self-talk, emphasizing that feelings—even intense ones—are part of being human. He encourages clients to start the day with an affirmation that they’re in a safe space to experience their emotions, grounding themselves with a simple mantra: “I am allowed to feel. My emotions don’t define me.”
Routine is another cornerstone of Dr. Goodman’s coaching strategy. For clients struggling with unpredictable emotions, routines provide stability and predictability. He had his client create a daily practice of grounding exercises—whether a morning walk, ten minutes of journaling, or simply listing three things they’re grateful for. These practices serve as touchstones, reminders that there’s a rhythm to their day they can rely on, even when emotions feel overwhelming.
Creating an Accountability Framework
Managing intense emotions often involves creating systems that support long-term success. For his client, Dr. Goodman emphasized the power of accountability. They established a practice of weekly check-ins, where the client would reflect on their progress, note setbacks, and recalibrate as needed. He also encouraged the client to share their goals and challenges with a trusted friend or family member, allowing them to receive support beyond their coaching sessions.
Accountability, in Dr. Goodman’s view, isn’t about creating guilt or shame over “slipping up” but about offering a reliable space for reflection and growth. By using an accountability framework, the client could see progress in real-time, helping them build confidence in their ability to manage emotions effectively.
Transforming Reactions into Intentional Responses
Dr. Goodman also uses tools for transforming emotional reactivity into intentional responses, which is a game-changer for many struggling with intense emotions. In one particular session, they worked through an example where the client felt deep anger and betrayal after a miscommunication with a close friend. Rather than immediately reacting, Dr. Goodman guided the client through a pause, encouraging them to examine the source of their anger, consider the friend’s possible perspective, and decide on a response that aligned with their values.
Over time, this process became habitual. Instead of reacting instantly and regretting it later, the client began to develop what Dr. Goodman calls a “momentary pause”—a brief period of reflection before responding. This not only improved relationships but gave the client a greater sense of agency and empowerment over their emotional life.
Coping Without the Label: Tools Anyone Can Use
Dr. Goodman’s approach isn’t limited to clients who self-diagnose with BPD or similar conditions. The methods he teaches are valuable tools anyone can use to manage emotional intensity and stress:
Embrace Self-Awareness: Dr. Goodman encourages everyone to cultivate observational awareness. This means watching your emotions like an observer rather than judging them or letting them control you. Taking a “step back” to ask, “What am I really feeling?” is a powerful first step.
Engage in Grounding Practices: Establish simple routines that help you stay grounded, like taking five minutes to breathe deeply, going for a walk, or journaling. Consistent practices help us feel centered even when emotions feel chaotic.
Replace Negative Self-Talk with Compassionate Language: Reframe critical self-thoughts. Replace “I can’t handle this” with “This is hard, but I’m allowed to feel this way. I’m here for myself.” Dr. Goodman often reminds clients, “Emotions are like waves—they come, peak, and pass.”
Build an Accountability Network: Surround yourself with supportive friends or family who encourage your growth. Checking in with a friend or partner at the end of the week, celebrating small victories, or acknowledging a tough day can be healing and reaffirming.
Pause and Respond Intentionally: Instead of reacting immediately to intense emotions, take a breath and ask yourself, “What do I really need here?” This can be clarity, connection, or simply a moment to collect your thoughts.
Moving Forward Without Limits
As Dr. Goodman often says, “Understanding your emotions isn’t about fixing what’s ‘wrong’ with you; it’s about recognizing your strengths and using them to manage what feels overwhelming.” Moving forward is less about labels and more about cultivating patience, building resilience, and embracing the freedom to define yourself outside of any diagnosis. When we view emotional growth as a journey—one that requires gentleness, patience, and accountability—we empower ourselves to cope, heal, and thrive.
If you’re struggling with intense emotions and feeling defined by labels, there’s a better way forward. For support and guidance, consider reaching out and scheduling a coaching session. Learn more at www.goodmanfactor.com and take the first step toward a life where you’re free to experience emotions without feeling defined by them.
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